General Conference October 2011

It's General Conference time again!   A semi-annual event in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, when for two days we receive spiritual and temporal counsel from the prophet, the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and other leaders of the Church.

Here are some of the things that stood out for me during the first two Saturday sessions:

• We are entitled to personal revelation (i.e. guidance for ourselves as individuals), but we need to desire to receive it.  Don't harden your heart and refuse to believe that the Lord wants you to learn about who He is, who you are and who you can become with His help.  Ask with the faith that He will respond and seek Him diligently.
• Helping others does not require costly or time consuming programmes.  Just do the right thing at the right time - without delay.  The Lord expects our thoughts, action, labour and testimony.
• Be careful about how you use your time.  The poor use of time is a close cousin to idleness.  Let us be as quick to kneel [in prayer] as to text.  Don't become a slave to things that rob your precious time.
• Most of what we worry about is not of eternal consequence.  And if it is, the Lord will help us handle it.

Boyd K. Packer spoke to the youth and recognising that they may wonder how someone of his age might have words of use for them, he quoted the following poem:

~~~
About Crows (by John Ciardi)

The old crow is getting slow;
the young crow is not.
Of what the young crow does not know,
the old crow knows a lot.

At knowing thins, the old crow is still
the young crow's master.
What does the old crow not know?
How to go faster.

The young crow flies above, below and rings
around the slow old crow.
What does the fast young crow not know?
WHERE TO GO.
~~~

How can you not like a poem like that?!!

Insurance Scam

This caught my eye today on a medical insurance company's website:

Have a look at the Exclusions.  In case you can't read it, here's what it says:

'Exclusions: Any Pre-existing Condition, AIDS, HIV, Suicide, Under the influence of drugs or alcohol and more'

I'm not sure which part amuses me most - the 'and more', which could extend to pretty much anything they felt like, or the 'Suicide'.

C'mon, really - suicide?  'Cause, you know, I'd want to make sure I collect insurance after I'd topped myself...

Easy to Rationalise

I don't know where this originated but my brother emailed it to me.  Makes perfect sense in my book.

History in the Making

An email came in from my cousin this morning; well worthy of sharing...

Little Hodiaki

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.   Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki  a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:  "Patrick Henry, 1775", he said.

 "Very good!  Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?”

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

“Excellent!”, said the teacher, continuing “let's try one a bit more difficult...  Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’?”

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: “John F. Kennedy, 1961.”

The teacher snapped at the class,  “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper:  “[Screw] the Japs.”

“Who said that? I want to know right now!” she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I'm gonna puke.”

The teacher glared around and asked,  “All right! Now who said that?”

Again, Little Hodiaki said, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little [brat]!  If you say anything else, I'll kill you!”

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.”  The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh [heck], we're screwed!”

Little Hodiaki said quietly, “The Australian Rugby Team, 2011...”

Rugby World Cup 2011

Image courtesy of rugbyworldcup.com

The Rugby World Cup is gearing up for a fantastic opening ceremony, with the first match being between the All Blacks (NZ) and Tonga at 8:30pm Friday 9 Sep NZT (2:30am Friday EST).  It's nigh on impossible to get coverage here in the US, especially if you don't have TV and you're trying to stream it free of charge...  So I've been listening to my favourite Kiwi radio chat show, NewstalkZB (that's ZedBee, not ZeeBee) and caught a gem this evening:

Little Jane was in class one day, listening while her Australian teacher was telling the children about the Rugby World Cup.  Each student was telling which team they were supporting and finally it was Little Jane's turn.

"I like the All Blacks," she said.
"Why do you like them?" asked her teacher. "The Wallabies are much better."
"My Dad likes the All Blacks, my Mum likes the All Blacks, so I like the All Blacks," said Jane.
"That's silly!" said the teacher.  "You shouldn't do something just because other people are doing it.  If your dad was a moron and your mum was a moron, what would that make you?"
Little Jane said with a grin, "A Wallabies supporter!"

~ ~ ~

I also heard a guy call in with a website that promises free streaming (click HERE) and it looks promising to me.  I guess I'll find out in about 4.5 hours, or even sooner if it broadcasts the opening ceremony also.

In the words of Tana Umaga; BRING IT!

Lengthening the GA 400 Nightmare

I've lived north of Alpharetta long enough to remember what the southbound morning rush hour commute on the 400 was like before they put a sign up near the Shiloh Rd overpass.  Traffic flowed smoothly at that point, all the way to Old Milton.

Then someone decided it would be nice to know how long it would take to get to Haynes Bridge, which in theory was a good idea.  They didn't, however, take into account the speed reading skills of the average driver on the GA 400.  We now have a bottleneck caused by rubberneckers trying to work out what the pretty sign is saying.  Never mind that it says the same thing nearly every morning, the exception being the occasional change to the two numbers on the bottom line.

When you work out what the top two lines say, all you need to do is pay attention to the bottom line.

At least, that's what I thought until a few months ago (I haven't had a chance to blog much lately).  You see, the sign originally said "5 miles ahead" but one day it changed to "6 miles ahead".  It stayed that way for a week, when it changed to the current distance.

I'm wondering if some bright spark noticed that the mile markers on the side of the road didn't add up properly, or if it had something to do with the earthquake in Japan last March, as it was shortly afterward that the sign changed.  Either way, apparently the GA 400 commute between Shiloh Rd and Haynes Bridge Rd somehow got longer.  Oh joy.

* Image courtesy of 511ga.org (GA Navigator).  Your website stinks by the way.  It's always broken, especially during rush hour.  I guess it simply reflects the state of the Atlanta area road system.  Always a mess and not enough bandwidth when it's really needed.

Georgia License Plate Vote

Hands up who got the email that was doing the rounds a little while ago where you could click on a link and vote for the new GA license plate.  It hit my email inbox at least three times.  I voted for one of the three designs that had "In God We Trust" on the bottom where the owner's county of residence would normally be.  Apparently a lot of other people did too.  So many, in fact, that the three finalists were: (drumroll) all three designs that included the words "In God We Trust".  Looks like there are a lot of folks out there who like making this declaration to the world.  And good on them.

However (I bet you knew there would be a "however" to this post), according to this article on Yahoo, we misunderstood what we were voting for.  You see, although three of the pictures of the designs up for vote included the phrase "In God We Trust", what they didn't tell us is that you have to pay $1 extra to get a sticker with these words instead of the county sticker.  As the article says:  "The three online winners happened to be the ones with "In God We Trust" at the bottom, leading the state to believe that voters may have decided on the phrase instead of the design."  Ya think???

So how is the state handling this?  They are holding a second vote involving the three winning plates.  Only this time they are clarifying that the phrase is not part of the plate.  Okay, that's fine.  I don't particularly want to force people with different beliefs to have the phrase on their car.  And the good thing is that I now know that I can buy a sticker for $1 and plaster it over my car.  I guess my complaint/question is - why on earth wasn't this handled better so that we could save some time and taxpayer money?  If I fouled up that badly in my job, I'd likely be out of work.  But then that's the difference between civil servants (US: public servants) and those of us in the business world who pay their salaries.

The amusing part of this story is the claim that a certain gun enthusiasts' website was encouraging its readers to vote for the plate with a design showing a peach which looked remarkably like a horse's patootey.  ""If we win, everybody in Georgia state will be driving with horse's [rear] license plate".  Could be interesting...

Doggy Phobias - the Black Abyss

Mr. F and I have a very playful and amusing dog who nevertheless seems to be half a bubble off plumb most days.  His newest (and absolute favourite-est) toy is a tennis ball I found at a park recently.  Rocky chews it, plays his own private soccer match with it and has actually learned that there is a game to be had with bringing the ball to us so we can throw it for him.  (The bubble edged slightly more central with that revelation.)

He does have some phobias though, which are mostly a source of giggling for us.  Mr. F had high hopes of training Rocky to be a bird dog for hunting trips.  That idea was laid to rest the first time Rocky experienced fireworks.  Not up-close-and-personal, mind you; he was inside and, after a short search-and-rescue, we found him doing ostrich impersonations under the bed.  His fear of loud bangs is such that the mere rattle of a box of matches sends him scurrying upstairs for the darkest hidey-hole.  He's a sad tale during a thunderstorm...

We discovered Rocky's latest phobia after noticing that he would tread gingerly past the hearth in our living room.  It's black and very reflective.  At first we thought his own reflection was freaking him out, but it looks like he's more afraid of how it appears to be a horrifying Black Abyss.  He is exceptionally careful about retrieving his ball when it goes too near.

Alas!  The poor dog has lost his newfound toy and best friend!  His tennis ball rolled onto the Black Abyss yesterday during a game of fetch.
 

After about 10 minutes of fretting and trying to build up the courage to pick it up (during which he would plant his hind legs securely a good distance from the hearth, then stre-e-e-e-etch as far as he dared towards the ball), he gave up entirely and sat down for a candlelit vigil.  (At least, we would have lit some candles but then Rocky would have run upstairs to hide as soon as the matches came out.)

I can't imagine what he thought about seeing Pepper lying on it recently.  A large black ball of fur with glittering green eyes, floating on the scary Black Abyss.  He does seem to have a little more respect for the cat lately...

The ball lies there to this day, waiting patiently for another game.  Rocky has been exceptionally callous in totally shunning his former playmate and leaving it to the clutches of the dreaded Black Abyss.

The Joys of Composting

Mr. F built a compost bin for me last year and we've been happily throwing all our vegetable waste plus eggshells, grass clippings and dead leaves in ever since.  It slowly decomposed to less than a quarter of it's original bulk and we were wondering whether to use it on the veggie garden yet or not.  We decided 'not'.

Earlier this year I helped Mr. F build a raised veggie garden and we planted sugar snap peas, green beans, Swiss chard, tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, potatoes and sweet potatoes. Veggies taste so much better out of your own garden.  The peas are yummy (the bunnies think so too), the tomatoes are ripening and the two remaining cucumber plants are doing well (for some reason the bunnies didn't devour these ones) although if you watch closely you can see them trembling in fear.  I saw a bunny the other day, munching on grass next to the veggie garden.  Awwww cute, right?  Wrong.  I looked again and spotted a second bunny almost hidden among the pea plants, stuffing his furry little rodent cheeks.

But out of everything that we've carefully planted and tended this year, guess what's growing the best?  Yup, something we carelessly tossed into the compost bin.  It could be pumpkin, watermelon or cucumber.  We're hoping for pumpkin.  Whatever it is, it's growing quickly.  Five days ago you couldn't see it above the bin but now it's reaching for the sun. 

Word of the Day

ostentagious(os·ten·ta·gious)

Pronunciation:/ˌästənˈtājəs, /

When living beyond your means becomes a communicable disease.

 

About Cats and Dogs

Mr. F learned something about cats the other day; you play with them on their terms, not human terms.  And certainly not dog terms.

I was lying propped up on one elbow reading, with Pepper the cat sprawled out next to me on the bed.  Mr. F had been playing chase with our dog Rocket and they came bounding into the bedroom, both bright-eyed and one bushy-tailed.  I caught the mischievous grin and realised there was no way to prevent what was coming.

Before I could even catch a breath to say "Nnnnooooooooo!", Mr. F pounced at Pepper, landing with hands and face square in front of the cat.  Now, Rocket would have instantly mimicked the pose and a nice game of rough-house would have ensued.  Mr. F, never having been owned by a cat, had no reason to think things would go differently.

In the space of about a second, Pepper did a classic cat hiss-and-puffball pose, then spun around and sprang (thankfully) over me, slamming into the headboard before landing on the floor.  Cats just don't play that way.  He then proceeded to allow Mr. F to apologise profusely.

Pepper's middle name is Magnanimous.  When he feels like it.  And may Mr. F never lose that mischievous grin.

Looking on the Bright Side (Again)

I was reading an article the other day discussing the effect recent major earthquakes have had on our planet.  Eastern Japan is now 3.96m (13ft) closer to North America, which shortened the day a whopping 1.6 microseconds.  In addition, the whole country sank down 0.61m (2ft), which together not only pulled the Earth's mass towards the Equator but also closer to the centre of the planet.

It's the whole centrifugal force thing that's causing the faster spin - the mass has moved more central and closer in, which increases the rotation speed.

Last year's earthquake in Chile had a smaller but similar effect on Earth's rotation.  The 2004 quake in Sumatra measured 9.1 and lasted 10 minutes (I can't imagine what that'd be like.  Try holding your breath for just one minute and see how happy it makes you feel).  As a result, our day became shorter by 6.8 microseconds.

So, the Earth is spinning faster, which means we have shorter days and therefore less time to get everything done.  Don't know about you but I miss those ~10 microseconds.  The good news is that it also means gravity is having more of an effect.  I'm now a little happier about getting on the bathroom scales.

Nailed

So guess where I sat for a couple of hours the other morning?  Yup, the tyre shop (US translation: tire).  I love my car to death, but it does seem to have a penchant for picking up nails - this is the second one in about 18 months.  And no, I don't spend all my time driving around construction sites.  Riding the Tail of the Dragon would be much more fun.

Have you heard of the new gel nail polish?  (How's that for a change of direction worthy of TotD?) Dries quickly, hard as - well - nails, lasts longer than regular nail polish.  Actually it doesn't come off.  Ever.  You are doomed to repeated visits to the nail salon (did I hear a chorus of "oh bummer" from some?  Sarcasm doesn't become you, ladies), peeling it off or waiting for it to grow out.

Problem with peeling it off is that the top layer of your nail goes with it.  And somehow it manages to weaken the tips of your nails if you leave it to grow out.  So either way, you're stuck with nasty, shattered and peeling nails until time has replaced your entire nail.  Mine have been three months now and counting...

My advice?  Avoid gel nail polish like the plague.  Whichever plague scares you most.

You're Paying Me to do What?

The other day I was looking through some job ads, er... because it's always good to know what's out there, right..?  Anyhoo, I spotted a couple of jobs that left me wondering:

Job title #1:   TBD
[- we don't know what you'll be doing yet.  You make it up.  We just want a new employee okay?  We're tired of the same faces day in, day out...]

Job title #2:   Temperature Sensitive Sales Manager SE US
[- for someone who doesn't like the long northern winters.]

Mix those two together and you've struck employment gold.  I wonder if they'd let me telecommute from NZ, November - April...

Mawidge

 The second half of 2010 was a whirlwind for me.  To the surprise of many (not the least of which was me), I got married in December.  We met in 2009 and started dating in July, which to some may seem quick but when you get to our age maturity you have a better idea of what you want in an Eternal Companion.

Let the above photo be a warning to all who are planning a wedding... Never let family and friends have access to your house while you are on honeymoon.  My flatmate (US translation: roommate) decided to express her happiness in a way she knew I'd understand.  We both love Princess Bride and one of our favourite scenes is Peter Cook performing the wedding ceremony.

After us newlyweds had managed to hit the road (muchly delayed by a toilet-papered, glad-wrapped, oreo-cookie-encrusted car - thanks Tony...), both sets of in-laws and sundry friends gathered to celebrate their chance to trash the house with no fear of retribution.  After all, we would be gone for a week and by then they would have scattered to their respective corners of the country and globe.

My flatmate's parting gift (and don't get me wrong - I laughed 'til my ribs hurt when I saw it) was to graffiti the window with a sentiment that's best pronounced with Peter Cook in mind.  Yes, folks - that's wedding cake.  Red velvet, to be precise (thanks Natascha, it was lovely!).

I think the only thing that amused me more was to connect two conversations with rellies when we got back:

Bro-in-law:     "Did you find all the eggs with holes in them?"
and
Mum:     "Your brother's plane was struck three times by lightning."

Oh - and we can't forget the wonderful job they did with decorating for Christmas.  The attic looked lovely.

The Doctor vs. Donna

I was the kid who had a ridiculously long scarf in honour of Tom Baker's Doctor.  So it was a happy day a couple of years ago when I discovered that not only had they brought Doctor Who back in 2005, but there are Americans who actually know about the series and enjoy watching it.

While engaging in an aimless internet surfing session online research, I stumbled across a comic gem.  David Tennant and Catherine Tate (as Lauren Cooper) back together again in this beauty of a skit:

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

This arrived in an email today, regarding the New Zealand All Whites Soccer team at the World Cup.  Our lads didn't lose a match - they were all draws.  So technically we didn't lose.  Gotta love a positive thinker!

Last Man Standing: All Blacks & Lions

I just found this on YouTube - All Blacks & Lions playing Last Man Standing.  It's probably old news for the folks back home but it's a goodie!  These guys must have played a brutal game of bullrush when they were kids...

Some things to watch for:

• at 1:24 there's a Lion hiding behind the lamppost.
• at 2:20 a Lion picks up his teammate and drops him to the side
• it looks like All Black Joe Rokocoko (pronounced Rokothoko) might just make it through at the end

UPDATE: I played this to a couple of people here who didn't get what was going on... so a quick explanation:
At the start you have the All Blacks and Lions lined up at one end of the field, with one guy in the middle of the field by himself (Tana Umaga).  They all try to make it to the other end of the field, while Umaga tries to stop them.  He tackles one Lion in the first rush, who is now on Umaga's team and stands with him in the middle.  They both try to stop players in the next rush and end up with three new guys on their side.  It keeps going like that with more guys being tackled until there are only two left on the original team.  They rush the pack and try to get through...

Enjoy!!

Ba-BOOM!!!

Today I was at the petrol station (US translation: gas station) keeping my self-promise not to let the tank go below quarter full.  While I was experiencing a moment of stunned silence at the recent price hike, a chappie pulled up in a largish vehicle (read: something that should, in all honesty, require a special license to drive and a reversing beep).

Mr. Chappie hauled himself out of the beastie-sized ute (US: pickup truck), took a last couple of puffs on his cigarette then flicked it to the ground near the pump.  Did he extinguish it first?  Noooo that death stick had a nice little glow.  For good measure he left the car (and I use that term loo-oo-oosely) running and proceeded to call his mate/buddy/bubba on the cellphone.

Partly because I felt it my civic duty, but mostly that I was starting to add an unattractive cold sweat to the Hotlanta humidity 'glow', I walked over and squished it out with my foot.

"Excuse me but I'm just going to uhhhh put that out."

If looks could kill I'd be a pile of ashes right next to the remnants of the cancer stick.  Maybe he'd planned to pick it up again after he'd finished draining the station tanks into his storage unit on wheels.

Happiness Is...

... your cat upchucking

on the floor

beside the bed.

Or not.